atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
