My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
