Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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