My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
