I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
