just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
