This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Randomize
