Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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