and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
they need to just BURY HIM!
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize