I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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