well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
