you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
