i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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