just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
