she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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