I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
