Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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