Having a random hookup so left but love u
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
