Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
