any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
