Just cropdusted the office
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
