those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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