I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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