Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
