Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Where is the hickey?
I CAN MOONWALK!
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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