Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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