Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
