I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
