Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
