I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
