More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
