Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
