I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
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