Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
