you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
