hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
