i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
