I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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