I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
