The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
My friends, they love my intelligence
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
being pregnant is like rehab
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
