I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
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