can we get nightvision for the apartment?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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