i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Randomize
