break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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