I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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