I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
