So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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