Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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