even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
