you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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