the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
