she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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