I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
do herpes really smell.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
