Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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