the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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