he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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